Wake me up when it’s over

Forgive me if I pass on watching the Winter Olympics. The whole thing seems a bit cheesy to me.

Cheesy, dull and bizarre. Have you seen a list of some of these “events”? Most of what takes place in the Winter Olympics hardly qualifies as a sport in my book. Aside from hockey, which has been stripped of its charm since the inclusion of professional athletes (I would much rather watch guys from the University of Minnesota and Maine take on the dreaded Red Machine), what qualifies as a sport and how one qualifies to participate in said sport is truly annoying to me.

LUGE: OK, I must admit I have never tried to Luge, but I am pretty sure it is a lot like drunk driving. Travel at 80 mph with limited visibility and hope you don’t hit anything. Yawn. Lugers travel feet first, which in my book is no way to die.

SKELETON: Head-first Luge? Is this a variation of Lugeing or are we to believe that there is an actual subculture out there racing down mountains on cookie sheets? When does a child decide to hand in his football and ask his or her parents for enough money to buy Skeleton equipment? What the hell is Skeleton equipment aside from your clothes and the cookie sheet? Is it called Skeleton because if you are not good enough to make the team, a Skeleton is all that is found of your body in the snowy hillside?

SKIING: I am all for some competitive skiing, but why do I always hear cowbells?

BOBSLED: Something I did well as a child should not be an Olympic sport. While bobsledding down the hills of northern New Jersey with my friends, we didn’t have helmets and we built RAMPS! Add a few ramps to the Bobsled course and make it a 12-and-under event and maybe I will watch.

BIATHLON: This event should be renamed “Psychokiller.” Who else spends the entire year practicing shooting things after skiing for hours across the woods? Where exactly is my son supposed to practice “Biathaloning” without getting arrested? Will I be able to stand in front of a judge and say, “Your honor, my child only shot the park ranger because he wasn’t able to get his heart rate low enough before firing his rifle?”

CURLING: Possibly the most idiotic sport of all-time. Shuffle board on ice with a twist of bocce. A few years back, the writing staff from Mohr Sports and I traveled to a skating rink to meet the U.S. Curling team and film a segment with them. We spent the afternoon learning how to “curl” and finished the day by playing (playing?) a friendly game of curling against these Olympians. My stoner writing staff and I lost 3-1. What else do you need to know?

FIGURE SKATING: I realize this event has been getting a ton of press lately due to the inclusion of Michelle Kwan on the team. I don’t understand why people get so caught up in the figure skating. If the girls are cute I will watch. Couples figure skating really baffles me. I mean, have you seen what the guys wear? Pardon my elitist attitude toward the whole thing but if you are a man, and you are wearing sequins, I just cannot take you seriously. Unless of course you are Neil Diamond. If you put Neil Diamond in skates and team him up with a cute girl and he sings Coming To America as he competes, you just won yourself a viewer.

So forgive me if I don’t watch the Winter Olympics this year. I have an entire season of Skating With Celebrities on TiVo.

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